| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|10:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
I was going to splurge out some emotionz, but then I thought, why bother? SO UM.
Work is good. School is a bit crap. George and me are going to Melbourne! I am in like with someone who is not the person I'm impossibly in love with or the person who I don't even like but am sleeping with. Being in like is so cool.
Exercise class is cool. Andrew and sarah are cool I'm going to hang out with them tomorrow. My sister is dumb, I dunno why we're related. I'm moving out of home in like a week. COOL TIMES. I'm 21 and am affectionate and a rollicking good time. I do not have to trawl the internet for empty sex in order to fulfill my capacity for love. It's kinda good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|12:56 am] |
Mid-year resolutions, because I need some:
I will try to be more productive, especially during the day.
I will stop wishing my life will turn into a fun John Hughes movie, and that me and my non-existent clique of friends would wag school every day, eat junk food, listen to Black Flag and wear leg warmers. It didn't happen at high school in the 80s, it won't happen at law school now.
On that note, stop daydreaming, stop feeling like life is a popularity contest that you're losing. Seriously.
I will make an effort to connect with my friends that like me, and make an effort not to think about my former friends that do not like me.
I will not engage in destructive behavior. This includes the following: Destructive sex, constantly drinking to excess, kvetching about things that have gone wrong in my life, frequent overconsumption of recreational/nonrecreational drugs.
I will try to work harder and get more organised, especially with school work. These forthcoming exams have been a real wake up call.
I will try and let go of some stuff. I don't know how, but I will.
I will try not to feel envious of other people's lives.
I will try to read more, write more, and speak less.
I will try to regain my capacity to love.
I will try to exercis more frequently, and eat less crap.
I will try to find a way to fix the intangible thing that I feel is broken inside of me, or at least to be at peace with my broken self.
I will make something good happen to me. It is long overdue. |
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| A stuff I want post... |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|01:10 am] |
Ok, so I am basically writing this down so I can remember next time I feel like I have money burning a hole in my pocket and don't feel like getting drunk (unlikely, I guess) that there is some shiz I want to buy
1 A big belt with a big buckle that is completely adjustible.
2 A lapis lazuli ring - or infact any item of lapis jewellery that is cool
3 Some books. Books, I LOVE NEW BOOKS.
4 Some CDs of cool stuffs to make mash ups out of with Kyla
5 One of those bags you can roll up really small.
That's all. On the shopping front I found a wishlist shopping list of things I wanted like a year ago - and I now have all of them - they were chocolate lip balm, the perfect red lip gloss, a black cardy and cowgirl boots. How cool is that?
In a totally non-materialistic way, of course.
GO TO THE GYM VITA OR YOU WILL GET LAZY, DEPRESSED AND FAT. |
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| My autobiography - book the first |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
BUT I'M SO AWESOME AND SMART AND HOT...WHY DON'T U LIKE ME?!?
OR
I'VE GOT A SECRET THAT'S TOTALLY LOLZ
OR
KITTENS ARE
A) YUCKY
B) CUTE
C) DISGUSTING
D) SMELLY
OR
I WANT A LAPIS LAZULI RING AND I DON'T HAVE ONE. I FIND THIS TROUBLING. I ALSO WANT A BIG BELT. STUFFFFFZ RULEZ.
OR
Learn to spell before you hit on me, retard.
OR
I may be eccentric, but YOU ARE A BATSHIT CRAZY RETARD, FUCK OFF AWAY FROM ME.
OR
no, I won't sell you drugs.
OR
I used to be conscientious and hardworking. Then I realised my boyfriend was a boring fag. And then I stopped doing stuff, and decided I wanted to waste time reading awesome books, drinking cheap wine, looking for beautiful clothes, reinventing myself, managing my mental health and looking for amazing sex, somewhere. And I have made a fuckload of stupid decisions in my life, but this is possibly the best decision i have ever made. And the first exams since this happened? Cool. Because I can sit in a room full of 200 smart overacheivers and think, well, I still know more than you, about a lot of things, actually.
OR
THERE HAPPENS TO BE A LOT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME, MR SMARTYMAN. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2009|03:53 pm] |
What follows is my generic, life-updating, oh-look-i've-reached-the-age-of-majority, i'm-doing-ok-at-the-moment post:
O HAI. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|01:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
Some lame things about being almost a grown up
My fellow insomniac friends, of which i have many, all now have better things to do than go on MSN and play flash games at 1 in the morning. I'm nearly 21 and I still live at home Noone wants to muck around, get drunk and waste time anymore. What is up with that? Calories in = calories on. Now, if I want to eat chocolate or Aunty Mena's I have to work it off. Noone thinks bad sex, SNL, youtube, literotica, necrophilia, Savage Love, Dear Abby London Sapphic Society, etc jokes are funny anymore. Or maybe nooone did except me. I'm too old for social awkwardness. Or drunken obnoxiousness. Or both combined. Seriously. WTF!
Some things that have just gotten more awesome as time has gone on Royal Crown Cola Red lipstick Vegan junkfood The Sunday Star Times magazine Propaghandi Flesh D-Vice Underwear Pyjamas Beer Saturday Night Live Vacuum cleaner shopping
Some things that I will create in my perfect utopian society A no-commitment, completely debauched gospel party choir Caramel flavoured joints Coconut/vanilla/chocolate/cherry shampoo The insomniac conversation club
Some things I want to do before my birthday/during the holidays/in the micro-future Drag my duvet off my bed onto the couch for a snuggletastic movie night with icing-sugar popcorn. Eat sweet n sour fake meat/tofu Finish my homework Be kissed. Properly. Go dancing Have sex with someone other than myself Write something not school related Finish planting my vege garden Sort shit out. With all those people who I've sort of/completely fallen out with/left things weird with/fucked things up with. With school. With my life. Argh. I don't even know where to start. Find the perfect pair of new boots Go to a fair Have a tea party Go to the beach Make a new friend Have a spirited discussion about female flatulence. Learn how to cook barley Learn how to cook celeriac
New discoveries Nature, Lower Hutt The fact I have a music essay due back first Monday of term Gardening
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
I'm sorry about the rant, but I have to get this out of my system.
I have mild depression, which is mostly triggered by stressful situations or emotional upheavals in my life. I have known that I am psychiatrically different from most people for as long as I can remember. I have been diagnosed by my GP and by a counsellor.
I have never told my parents any of this. Just because they can't deal well with mental illness. They don't understand, at all. They have never picked up anything.
For about 3 months when I was 14, I went on anti depressants after a sort of suicide attempt/not serious drug overdose. I hated the way they made me feel. I never told my parents about this either. The drugs were subsidised and therefore fairly cheap. I paid for them myself. I stopped taking them, and then felt better. I changed schools, I had a boyfriend, great friends, and my depression lifted and I felt great.
I stopped loving said boyfriend a long time before I left him. He had some terrible things happen in his life, and I thought that he needed me. So I stayed with him. Probably because of the terrible things that happened to him, he became mildly abusive towards me. He destroyed myself esteem. He belittled my beliefs. He isolated me from my friends, except for a small group of people who I had very little in common with, either intellectually or emotionally.
To fast-forward to where I am today. My mental-health is completely up shit creek. But there is no way I am going to go back on anti-depressants. I go to the gym alot, which helps the way I feel. I try to be kind to myself, whilst maintaining the self-discipline I need to function.
I am trying to get my friends back. It's ok, for the most part. I guess I just feel like I didn't do anything to deserve this. Over the course of this crazy summer, I have lost my best friend. I have come to the sickening realisation that there is so much of life that I will never get the chance to experience, just because of my shyness and social awkwardness, my lack of friends, the bizarre study situation that I have got myself in, my family and just my life in general, and that makes me sad.
I also feel, and perhaps this is irrational, that largely due to my love and support, my ex-boyfriend is on a path to a life that he always wanted. And that largely due to the way he treated me, I will likely be dead by the end of the year.
On the other hand, I have been codependent, dishonest, flaky and clingy. I deserve every terrible, draining, exhausing thing that happens to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|10:16 pm] |
I have to give up on him, for the time being. Completely. And for fuck's sake, be disciplined about it.
Otherwise, I'm mostly ok. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|07:20 pm] |
Things are bad.
I am so lonely, it hurts. The people I used to hang out with most days now avoid eye contact with me. My actual friends, or the people who I thought were my actual friends aren't really interested in reestablishing any kind of relationship with me, despite my overtures. I am the most socially awkward person in the world - there is no way i am capable of making new friends. Besides, where would I find them?
I can't do this anymore. I am confusing my family, who i've managed to completely hide my depression from up till now, and I'm irritating the hell out of the few friends I do have.
I have an assignment to do that's due tomorrow but i cannot bring myself to do it.
I'm not ok. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|07:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I really don't know if I can face another year of uni. But in other news, I am doing pretty ok. I went to the gym at Rutherford House today, which was really average, but had really good showers (well for a student gym) so i had an amazing shower before I went back to kelburn to hang out with cara for a bit, which was really fun. Then I came home, thought about doing laundry. Decided not to. Listened to The Mountain Goats and read gay erotica online instead. Joy.
So now, I'm going to put laundry on, and go for a walk, then when I get back, laundry will be all finished and I can put it on the line! Wheee!
Even though I fantasize about leaving here and moving by myself to another place where I know noone, I know that in reality I'd actually hate this. While I don't really have my best friend at the moment, my friends have been so amazing through this summer of insanity. You know who y'all are. Thank you for your patience, your drinking-buddying, your forgiveness. But mostly thank you for listening to me. It means the world to me.
I'm full of doubt about my whole future right now. But to give up would be so wrong. It would mean that everything I despise had won. One thing about me is that I am fucking tough. Resilient. Even though I am unsure about so much of the future, I am also fundamentally certain of what I want from my life, of what and who is important to me, of what and who i love and what and who I am. I have to trust myself that whatever I want to happen to me will happen to me, that I can live the life I want to by espousing the values I hold dear, working hard, looking after my mental and physical wellbeing, being a good friend, and making decisions in my own best interests in accordance with my values.
My haphazard dreams, I hold them and love them. I am so cynical and so hopeful. Most of all, I am at peace with myself. Love, find me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2009|08:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Saves the Day - Shoulder to the Wheel | ] |
School. Starts. Tomorrow. I am so ambivalent about everything.
I guess stuff might get easier once school starts, but then again it might not.
And I wish that I could articulate how I feel, like the past 3 years I've just been slipping further and further downwards, into this place I never wanted to be, into this person I never wanted to be. Hating myself, hating alot of people I spent time with and called my friends. Why?
Then my life changed in one split second because someone, quite literally, reached out to me.
I can't get over it.
I have to somehow make an effort to make my life more like I want it to be, instead of being shitty because I hate myself and hate my life. Which to some extent I succeeded in doing this summer, i guess.
In short, must try harder. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|10:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dressy Bessy - I'm Still Crying | ] |
Ugh, so I had the most lazy day. I watched Tyra in my jammas. I ate avocado on toast. I read a book about a polygamous mormon sect. I did laundry. I made dinner. I walked to Kelburn to visit George, then realised that it was getting dark and I was really tired and needed to go home.
I really am just looking for something to happen to me.
I saw a dog that looked like a pig.
That was possibly the highlight of my day. Oh and I downloaded some Beyonce songs. |
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| What I am scared of. |
[Feb. 13th, 2009|11:56 am] |
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1) It's not going to get any better. I will feel like this until I give up.
2) I've lost you.
I think I'm getting sick again. There are blisters on my appearing on my neck - I could be getting shingles again? Which means bed rest, and icky anti virals. That month in bed the year before last year was when I got fat. I can't go back there, not the one part of myself which I have genuinely and completely reclaimed.
The more time that passes, the worse it becomes. What I've done becomes more obvious, more serious, more permanent.
No matter how hard I try, I don't think I can get myself back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|10:52 pm] |
Camp was so amazing....it was just.....amazing. I had like a genuinely good fun time. I guess I'm feeling a little better. Don't get me wrong, even though during the past few months the low times have been excrutiating, the good times have been rocking.
A Daydream
In my new house I will make you dinner. We can drink tea on my back porch and smoke in the dark. My bookshelves will be in the living room, fiction alphabeticised, non-fiction arranged by subject. My guitar will be on the couch. There will be moths in my bedroom because I leave the window open and the light on. When the moon is full it will shine through my windows, and I will see it pooling on the floor because when I have my own house, I won't be made to shut the curtains anymore. |
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| Still awake |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|04:19 am] |
I'm supposed to be detox sleeping for my big fun weekend, and here I am, at 4 am, wide awake and crying mind racing.
I didn't do anything wrong, I don't think.
You delude yourself. You didn't "sit around all bitter and twisted for years'. Nothing of the sort, and you know it. There are like a hundred thousand things you haven't been honest with me about. And yet you've known. You've always known so why did you do this, why did you, and you alone, create this and leave me to deal with the fallout. Because I can't. I just can't. As evidenced by the fact that I'm on livejournal at 4 in the morning, crying and shaking. I wish I could stop feeling bad and sad because I didn't ask for any of this. I haven't done anything wrong. |
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| Maybe if I could sleep this would be less of a problem but... |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|12:47 am] |
I know I'm going to have fun at camp, and I'm genuinely excited about it.
At the same time, the more time passes, the sadder I get. I know I need to resolve this in my head somehow, either that or leave it and hope I'm functioning a little better by the time school starts.
The more time passes, the more I realise how badly I fucked up. I don't know what to do. This is driving me crazy. I wish I could stop thinking about it, contrary to what I said earlier, I actually do want to stop thinking about it. Because as well as all the nice stuff, there's the reality. And it literally feels like my heart is breaking.
I have to ride this out. I have no choice. |
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| Because I'm still awake..... |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|12:21 am] |
The I love it when....list, in order to make myself feel good and sleepy inside
1. I love it when my friends call me Vee
2. I love it when I go to Higher Taste and feel all soothed inside
3. I love it when people get my weird jokes
4. I love it when I read old letters or emails or journal entries or in-class notes and it makes me remember stuff and I laugh
5. I love it when I find cheap jewellery at trashy jewellery stores
6. I love it when my cat tries to put his arms around me
7. I love it when I rediscover books or songs or clothes that I had forgotten about
8. I love it when I think of a movie quote that is germane to my life at any given point
9. I love it when I read that people claim they got attacked by bats....in New Zealand
10. I love it when I think of all the imaginary weddings I could have, even though I will probably never have them
11. I love it when I drink tea and listen to Joni Mitchell and staple my revision papers in various orders together in my room
12. I love it when my friends tell me interesting and wacky and exciting and mundane things about their lives. Actually tell me, not by facebook status update
13. I love it when icanhascheezburger makes me lol, literally
14. I love it when I daydream, of things so impossible, and the practical.......
waiting through all your bad, bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about.....
A Dashboard Confessional song.
Cold beer in hot summer.
Dancing barefoot.
Sleeping without any clothes on.
The beach.
Flowers.
The zoo.
Writing.
Hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|11:53 pm] |
Ok so I've been trying to take it a bit easier, less of everything, and no hyper-music, which has made me feel a little better I guess.
I have a test tomorrow, then camp starts on thurs! Which will be fun.
It's a problem. I know I have to stop thinking about him. But i like thinking about him. |
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| The heatbreak mixtape |
[Feb. 1st, 2009|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Liz Phair - Fuck and Run
Saves the Day - This Is Not an Exit
Laura Nyro - You Really Got a Hold on Me
Neko Case - Star Witness
Iron and Wine - Naked as We Came
Broken Social Scene - Lover's Spit
Liz Phair - Divorce Song
The New Pornographers - My Rights Versus Yours
Nina Simone - Since I Fell for You
Natalie Merchant - Kind and Generous
Dashboard Confessional - Again I Go Unnoticed
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
The Windy City Strugglers - Wild Love
Joni Mitchell - A Case of You |
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| Adventures in nzdatingland part I |
[Jan. 27th, 2009|12:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Peaches - Operate | ] |
"Wer u really serious about not wanting to chat 2 me cus i had an approstrophee error on my profile?" |
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